Under Repair

I’m too afraid of losing, I don’t even bother to try.

Sometimes it is easier to accept defeat and surrender before the battle has begun, that way I get to keep some self-respect thinking that I COULD HAVE won if I had tried. I guess I cannot bear the pain of humiliation if after giving my best I still end up losing. Self-inflicted losses are easier to bear.

My pride and my ego are my biggest faults. I am too narcissistic and self-important for my own good.

I have always made myself believe that no one can be good at everything. That has always been my justification for not doing the things I thought I didn’t like. But now I realize that those words have only been my poor excuse for avoiding things I wasn’t good at, things I would have lost at. But seeing some people who are apparently good at many things has made me rethink my position. No one can be great at everything but people can be good in many things if only they try and practice hard enough. And trying and practicing inevitably means that I would have to lose and fail sometimes. A lot of times probably. That is a big hit on my ego, but will probably make me a better person than just sticking within my comfort zone, settling for the things I know I am good at.

I do want to be a better person. Underneath all the pride and histrionics, I do want to mature.

Perhaps I would have to experience more failures first.

I will fight and I will lose but I will get back up again.

And someday I will be better.